Advice Corner: Stop damning people for not meeting your expectations on DNA sites

Got your results, but that third cousin has no tree? Well, fudge. 

You have seen the commercials for DNA tests.

Ancestry is the largest advertiser, but there are others.  And they all have people or actor portrayals of "people" who are surprised by their DNA results.

"I want to learn more about my <Insert Nationality/Ethnic Group Name> heritage," they say, surrounded by Indian pots, or dressed in native clothes or on tour in their newly found ancestral lands.

"My parents made me take up German Lieder because they thought our family was from Munich, but according to my DNA tests, I should have been taking Italian Opera lessons instead!"

"Take your genealogy further," and "Let DNA break down those walls" is the other hook.

That's the marketing - opening doors through DNA testing.

The problem is, DNA testing isn't a magic bullet, it isn't a panacea, and it sure isn't Gabriel's horn.  It's a tool - a good one, when used properly, but it isn't being marketed as a tool.  It is being sold as a life changing epiphany followed by some sort of catharsis.

And what I am seeing online, however, is some real misplaced frustration and anger by people who seem to have lost their perspective on DNA testing.  And this applies to adults - who should know better - who are getting angry with people they don't know.  And not just one person - whole groups are being hit with telepathic anger waves.

Why are they getting angry?

Because these unknown people did a DNA test through one of the major companies got their results, but never set up or uploaded a family tree.

Now, any adult or child with parents permission can take one of these DNA test as long as they play by the rules.  The test gets paid for, the sample taken, the test is sent, processed and the results delivered to the person who submitted the sample or their proxy. Done. Period. Fin.

THAT is DNA testing.

But AncestryDNA, 23 and Me and FTDNA also have a genealogy component that is optional.  And "optional" is define by Webster's as "Something available to be chosen, or not."

And they are not putting their trees up or connecting them to their DNA results, or worse still having a tree that is PRIVATE and not letting anyone in to look at it.

And that is what's setting normally sane people off.

They rant and rave and rail against these people who have tested, gotten their results, and CHOSEN not to go any further, as if said person who has tested with no tree (TWNT) has done this to the person complainer.

In one group a complainer said "I am so angry that this person who could be my first cousin doesn't have a tree online and said that they wouldn't put one online..."

And my favorite "Why would they do this to me?"  (I have visions of that person jumping from basement window to end it all.)

Why?   Time for tough love: Sweetheart, it's not always about YOU.  It's their DNA test, and the TWNT person isn't that into you.

Look, there are two types of people who take DNA tests through these service providers:

1) People who think that putting a tree online is the thing to do, and,
2) People who either don't want to go to the effort of posting a tree or don't care about it.

It's that simple.

And there is nothing and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G in the agreement from the test companies that say that putting a tree online is a requirement.

And there is N-O-T-H-I-N-G that say that they have to respond to the other people with results, and that includes your your emails and queries.

N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Yes, common courtesy would state a reply, even a nice "I'm sorry, but I cannot help you," is what one should do.  In today's world, that doesn't always get done.  It should, but it doesn't.

And yes, I understand that it's frustrating as hell to have these results and not know how they fit or how to work them out.   My father is Eastern European Jewish and I have over 7,000 matches on Ancestry and only a percent of small percent of people I have contacted have any clue how people could be related.

But there are a lot of folks who need to understand that the TWNT folks are not doing what they are doing to be mean to you, to vex you, to withhold from you or anything else.  And they probably don't care about the question raised most ("Why would they take this test and not publish a tree to go with it?") with TWNT's because this isn't about arguments.

It is about their test, their lives, their schedules, their rights.  If they never want to look at the results, that is their right as well.   And trust me, when they look at their results and say thing like "German, well what do you know," and that's it.

And, it's about you, a genealogy person, not understanding why someone else isn't into the hobby, the avocation, the vocation, as you are.

So admit the frustration, commiserate, support, but stop being angry at others for not reading your mind and meeting your expectations.

And?

And learn to work around it.  Most of the sites let you look at who the TWNT matched with - send these nice people a nice note, look at their trees, and so on.   Or you can use genealogy to confirm matches you know about - and the good thing about this is it really widens your net when you prove that third cousin is your third cousin!

But stop this misplaced frustration.

It does you no good, and it certainly is not going make these TWNT people get in lock-step with your idea on how this should get done.

Let it go people.  Move on to other approaches.